EDICT TWENTY-TWO:
"Rocking the Hip-Hop"

Every SIXTEEN MINUTES, upon becoming the RIGHTFUL GOD-EMPEROR OF THIS SPHERE, I shall ROCK THE HIP-HOP for approximately EIGHT SECONDS.

You may watch if you wish, or take a pass. I don't care. As long as I get to rock the hip-hop.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT TWENTY-ONE:
"Utah"

There are a LOT of PEOPLE AROUND who DON'T HAVE MUCH TO DO. So when you finally APPOINT me as your PLANETARY RULER, I propose that we RAISE UTAH EXACTLY ONE FOOT, THEN MOVE IT THREE INCHES TO THE LEFT.

Why? BECAUSE WE CAN. People in Utah always complain about the view. "If only we were one foot higher," they say, "we could see a little further and be just a bit closer to heaven." (They're mostly Mormons). So LET'S GIVE UTAH A BOOST! We can KNOCK DOWN a few of those USELESS MOUNTAINS on the WEST COAST, make some sort of GIANT UTAH-SIZED SPATULA, slide it UNDER UTAH, use a GIANT GOLF BALL as a FULCRUM, RAISE UTAH, and put CRUSHED MOUNTAIN underneath it to hold it up. Then we just DRAG IT OVER by three inches and SET 'ER BACK DOWN.

If people don't find something USEFUL to do after that, we can maybe reinstate those DANCE-A-THONS they had in the THIRTIES. You bet your BIPPY they shoot horses, sweetheart.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT TWENTY:
"Lotteries"

For PETE'S SAKE. If you want to WASTE MONEY, you can WASTE it on ME, you TONGUE-BITING STUPES. I'm SICK and TIRED of seeing DECENT CITIZENS TRAPPED behind SHAMBLING GRABBY TOOLS in the EXPRESS LANES of GROCERY STORES across the WORLD.

Under MY RULE, state-sponsored lotteries will be ABOLISHED, and those who want to RISK MONEY on something as unlikely as FINDING a GOLD BRICK in their BUTT can do it by SUBSCRIBING to a HIGHER TAX RATE called the "STUPID TAX." They can get a "STUPID CHIT" mailed to them every day and they can REGISTER their STUPID LUCKY NUMBERS. If their STUPID LUCKY NUMBERS get drawn, they can win a chance to get KICKED in the HEAD by the CELEBRITY of THEIR CHOICE. I mean, most of these TOOLS just want to get rich so they can LIVE LIKE THE STARS, right? So why not ELIMINATE THE MIDDLEMAN? The STATE gets their money, and THEY get their SKULLS DENTED by THEIR HEROES.

How's THAT for a BRUSH WITH FAME?

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT NINETEEN:
"Jazz"

Lots of jazz is GOOD. But some of it is BAD. If you do not like CHARLES MINGUS after my ascent to power, you will be RE-EDUCATED. If you like Kenny G, you MUST be RE-EDUCATED.

GOOD TASTE WILL BE MANDATORY.

BAD JAZZ WILL FALTER AND VANISH.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT EIGHTEEN:
"Socks"

LISTEN to me NOW or RUE THIS DAY later! For I bring you TIDINGS OF GREAT JOY! When my innate superiority is RECOGNIZED and I rise to sit upon the WORLD-THRONE, among my RECKONINGS shall be the CHEAPENING OF HIGH-QUALITY SOCKS!

SOCKS are TOO EXPENSIVE! It's a FACT! If you want a NICE WARM PAIR OF SOCKS, you have to pay AN ARM AND A LEG, and then you can only enjoy ONE of the socks! It's KUH-RAY-ZEE!

So. A GOOD PAIR OF THICK WARM WOOL SOCKS will cost you maybe HALF A BUCK. On the OUTSIDE. As compared to the SIX OR SEVEN DOLLARS that the damn CAPITALISTS want for them! ALL WILL HAVE WARM SOCKS, and MANY PAIRS OF SAME! NO FOOT SHALL BE DENIED!

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.

EDICT SEVENTEEN:
"Bacon"

BACON is GOOD. And while I GENERALLY AGREE that MEAT is ENVIRONMENTALLY DISASTROUS and WASTEFUL and PEOPLE SHOULD EAT MORE VEGETABLES, I think a world without BACON is like a WORLD WITHOUT MY BENEVOLENT RULE. That is to say, BARELY WORTH LIVING IN.

Say, why HAVEN'T you made ME your SUPREME LEADER yet, ANYWAY? News must be travelling slow this week.

ANYWAY. MEAT will be DE-PRIORITIZED in the KANO (Kick-Ass New Order), but PIGS will still be bred for BACON, which will become the OFFICIAL PLANETARY MEAT. We will send BACON BITS into space on SATTELLITES to prove our ADVANCED CIVILIZATION to ALIEN RACES. BACON will be served at all AFFAIRS OF STATE and be included in SCHOOL LUNCHES. We will create MACHINES that accept PROTEIN POWDER, WATER and OTHER BASIC ELEMENTS and create GIANT CUBES OF BACON.

Every night will be BACON NIGHT under my all-seeing, all-knowing gaze.

I SHALL RULE THIS PLANET.